Thoughts: The Trio

Fact: We are a family of three.
Fact: This is our decision and we are marvellously happy with it.

   

 


I don't really see my family unit as two adults and "just" one child; I see it as a trio.
I have never felt pressured to have another child. However, I sometimes get the question: "Do you think you'll have another one?". This question is often asked by friends or acquaintances that have more than one kid. I quickly and sincerely answer "No. One is good for us." I sometimes add that by having another one would impede on my well-being, robbing me from my imperative "Jen-time"and adding stress to my relationship. I don't feel like we're incomplete or that I'm missing out. Simon and I are happy with our situation and we have so much fun with Margot.
On another note, I don't believe that Margot is being "denied" of a sibling. She has three (almost four) cousins, two whom she sees regularly and feels comfortable (sometimes too comfortable) acting like a sister when around them.

Moment with Margot: A Dancer in our House

Margot has been selected, along with three other children in her ballet class (primary level) at Dance Educators, to participate in the Society of Russian Ballet examination on April 15th. I asked how the children were selected and the teacher explained to me that the children need to i) understand and follow instructions (i.e. no running around the studio like monkeys), ii) have some kind of musicality (i.e. if the music is slow, dance slowly; if it's quick, dance faster), and iii) show some kind of talent.

Margot loves dancing and I believe (or I'd like to) that she has a natural awareness in movement and musicality.

This is a typical pre-bedtime evening routine at our house:
(Need I mention that she picks her costume?)

I have a secret wish: I want Margot to gravitate towards the arts: dance, music, theatre, writing, visual arts. Any of those would do just fine!
I think that having a creative outlet allows people to be in touch with their emotions and authenticity It also allows them to belong to a "group", surrounded by like-minded people. Furthermore, it offers them a chance to create and to find their place in this world, which is sometimes so overwhelming.
I'm fast-forwarding to the future tween and teen years and deeply wish for Margot to have a passion in which she feels she belongs and can devote her energy and time to her art (instead of going shopping and playing video games). I want her to be excited about something! I want her to care.

I believe that, as a parent, you expose your child to the activities that you value and cherish. Margot is still young, but I'll do my best to encourage that the arts (in all its shapes and forms) are present in our lives. It shouldn't be too challenging ;)

Wednesday's Words: A Case For Sleepover Camps

Last summer, on a lazy and hot - albeit a bit breezy - July (or was it August?)  afternoon, I read a book lying in a hammock. The title of it was Homesick and Happy: How Time Away from Parents Can Help a Child Grow by Michael Thompson. And, being a library book, I jotted down in my one of many little "sparkbooks" bits of sentences of ideas that rang true to me.

Before I begin sharing a few words/quotes/ thoughts that arose from this parenting read, I wish  to ask you a question (which Thompson asks a room full of adults) : What was the sweetest moment of your childhood? Close your eyes. Think about it. Dig deep into your memory. Were your parents present? Were you outside? Were you with friends? Were you facing a challenge or doing something risky?

Now, here are words that struck true to me. Note: these are cut and paste from Thompson.
-Wonderful things can happen for children when they are away from parents.
-Sometimes they [children]  have to get away from us [parents] and experience a little suffering in life, along with a full range of feelings - boredom, anger, giddiness, romance, etc. - to get the hang of it on their own. As long as a parent is standing by watching, the child is going to interpret his or her experiences through the parents' reactions.
-Sleepover camps are one of the last places on earth that are largely electronics free.
-The great genius of camp is the creation of ritual. There are ways of doing things and rules.
-Camp is a place where you discover a skill, and in that process you learn something new about yourself that you could never have learned if you had stayed at home with your mom and dad. And because they weren't there, your achievement belongs to you.
-Camp offers a profound change of pace, a sense of time profoundly different from either school or family. There's down time, nap time, free time. Time slows down and its sense is so vast.
-Enforced rest time with its requirements for quiet or silence gives children time to be with themselves.
-Children's successes belong to them. True self-esteem comes not from praise but from real experiences of skill building and making a contribution to a community.

And, words of advice for parents:
-Give your child the gift of letting him/her go. The reality is that your child is going to have a lot of fun that you cannot see, you cannot photograph, and in which you cannot share. She will rise to challenges, make mistakes, sing and laugh and cry and have a crush on someone you will never meet. You child will return to you changed.
-Take a vacation from parenting, have some fun and don't feel guilty about it! You cannot add value to your child's camp experience by feeling anxious and miserable. Like your child, you need to grow up!
-Enjoy being proud that you have raised a child who can go away, make new friends, learn new skills, and have a good time.

I have been a camper (at a sleepover camp) twice in my teens at Olympia Sports Camp. My brother came with me; hence, the sports camp. The sports I "specialized" in were aqua sports (sailing, kayaking , canoeing and windsurfing) in my first year and tennis in my second.  I was so excited to go! I wanted to attend summer camp for such a long time.  I also experienced summer camp as a counsellor/drama specialist (much later, in my early 20's between my B.Ed and my M.A.) at Walden Camp. I had such a fun summer: living outdoors, being creative, working with kids, socializing with peers.

In the future, I plan to send Margot to sleepover camp for a week or two. I hope to find the strength to allow my little Margot to go and explore and to experience for herself camp-life!

Being a Parent: The French Way

A few months ago, I read the much-popular, Bringing Up Bébé by Pamela Druckerman. In short: an American woman living in Paris who is raising her young children. This book has been positively reviewed and talked about since its appearance on North American bookshelves.


I read it. Here are a few random (because I like randomness) observations. Like all parenting books: you take some, you leave some. These are the ones I found most interesting:


[I should add that as a Québécoise, a well-travelled Europhile, and a friend to  Europeans , some observations weren't big revelations to me.]

Simple Pleasures: water, sand, and a feather

On Conflict
Like the Idle Parent (read my Being a Parent, Part 2): let kids play by themselves and resolve their own conflicts while parents have coffee (or wine) in a different room of the house.
"French parents aren't panicked about their children's well-being. This calmer outlook makes them better at both establishing boundaries and giving their kids some autonomy." Take a step back. "French kids have more autonomy in their dealings with each other. French parents seem slower to intervene in playground disputes. They expect kids to work these situations out for themselves".

Introducing: La pause

Observe your child before rushing to intervene. Watch. Breathe. Have a sip of wine. Then, go to the child. This develops patience (for the child).

A stern "Attends"

I'm on the right track since I use it constantly with Margot. Instead of saying "Arrête" ou "Sois tranquille" ou "schhh!", I say "attend". It is working  à merveille!

Sois sage (comme une image)

Instead of saying: "Be good" or "sois gentille", say "sois sage". The real meaning of Sois sage doesn't translate well ."Be wise"? "behave appropriately, use good judgement", "be respectful of other (...) the child is in command of herself."  

Saying "Be good" implies that being good goes contrary to her true nature.  I like that and often remind Simon to stop saying "Be a good girl". "Sois sage, Margot"

C'est moi qui décide

Sharing power with a child doesn't exist. Le parent décide. It's part of the hierarchal culture. No questions asked. I can't take myself seriously when I say that to Margot. Does she even get it???

Tu n'as pas le droit

Instead of saying "Ne frappe pas Billy", you say: "Tu n'as pas le droit de frapper Billy". "This suggests that there's a fixed and coherent system of rights which both children and adults can refer to. It also makes it clear that the child does have the right to do other things". I used that sentence with Noa a few days ago, and he simply looked at me and said "Oui, j'ai le droit." Hum...

On Food

I have to admit that I'm quite strict on what Margot cannot eat. Poor child! Since she has such a good appetite, I know I shouldn't really worry. O&M's mum bakes tons of cakes and muffins and chocolate loaves... and they even eat pains au chocolat! (my weakness). All reasons for Margot to pack her bags, hop on a plane and cross the ocean. Why aren't sweets more accepted here?Perhaps it's because "French parents talk about chocolate as if it's just another food group, albeit one to eat in moderation... In general, they will serve cake or cookies at lunch or at the goûter (afternoon snack)". I would like to add that only the best ingredients are used (right?) when baking in France. This makes it justifiable.  

Pick your Battles

We put too much effort on everything. "Don't get worked up about minor bétises (small acts of naughtiness) These are just part of being a kid. If every misbehaviour is treated on the same level, how will they know what's important?" This relates a bit to the idea of "doing less"from The Idle Parent.

On Praise

Don't praise too much. As a teacher, that's actually right up my alley! "The French believe that kids feel confident when they're able to do things for themselves, and do those things well (...) They don't act like every job well done is an occasion to say "good job". Point final. How will kids know when they actually do something remarkable (ex. ride bike) if we continually  make a big deal on everything little thing they do (ex. drawing circles on every blank sheet of paper) . False praise is tiring and insincere.

On Books
The difference between French and English (North American) kids' books:


In the American books:
i) there's a problem
ii) there's a struggle to fix it
iii) a cheerful resolution.
Lessons are learned and life gets better.


In the French books:
i) there's a problem,
ii) there's a struggle to fix it
iii)seldom succeed to fix it
iv)protagonist has the same problem again.
There's rarely a moment of personal transformation when everyone learns and grows.
Life is ambiguous and complicated (like real life!). There aren't bad guys and good guys. Each of us has a bit of both...

Let your child be naked in the Ottawa River!

Iceland - Part 3: Parenting

While in Reykjavik, we spent a lot of time lounging in parks and people watching. That's the way to savour a city's culture. Being a teacher and a parent, I have always had an interest in how kids are raised in different countries

Here are my observations.
-Many young parents (mid 20's)
-Lots of old-fashioned prams (the unpractical, clunky ones). Baby carriers are not used at all.
-Many fathers alone with their infants/ toddlers,/preschoolers, pushing prams or holding hands.
-Young children (elementary schools), biking by themselves by a major road, without an adult present. As our walking guide told us : "that is a common site in Reykjavik. Every one looks out for one another."
-Children playing in the streets until 10pm is common (the sun never sets in the summer) Our rental apartment was in a residential neighbourhood and we heard and saw children singing, kicking the soccer ball around and drawing on the sidewalks.
-Very child friendly society: spacious baby diaper rooms in small bistros, cafés, chic restaurants. High chairs (with blankets) were found everywhere. Most bookstores, info centres, cafés had an Ikea-style child-friendly area.

schoolyard

Here are some facts I found out:
-Paternity leave is compulsory in Iceland. The 9-month parental leave is divided as such: 3 months for mothers, 3 months for fathers and 3 months to be split anyway they wish. It is more equalitarian than Quebec's parental leave (the most parent-friendly leave in North America) as it obliges the father to take  those months caring for his child. They receive 80% of their salary.
-Birth rate is high: 2.14 child per woman  (in 2009).
-University is free (except for books and registration fees). Not only to Icelanders, but to any foreigner who wishes to study at an Icelandic university (as long as they can speak/read/understand Icelandic).
-Common for babies to sleep outside in their strollers. Check it out.

 random mural we stumbled upon:

For another view of European parenting, I encourage you to check out my lovely Bex's blog
In one of her most recent posts, she observes the following:
French parenting
As we all ate, drank and were merry, the kids (6 minibeasts in total) roamed around us. Every now and again there were tears and kisses were required, but generally apart from a background of happy giggling, we were in essence two separate parties. My impression, and I know you'll correct me if I'm wrong, is that in Britain and perhaps elsewhere, children are sent to bed early (by my standards...) and the evening is adult time. The French don't seem to separate adult time and kid time in quite the same way. The French are much more into family time. The kids are there. Just around. I like this approach. It suits me. We stayed until gone midnight (hooray, how I miss late nights), and the kids happily entertained themselves until then. All except Owen, who crawled into my lap at about 11pm, snuggled up and fell asleep. Good parenting? Bad parenting? The kids had a whale of a time and I had a lovely cuddle. My kind of parenting.

Pre-Bedtime Fun

Days are long when you wake up at 6:30am.
After dinner, we go through "pre-bedtime" angst. It's important to note that we eat dinner quite early, between 5:00 and 5:30pm, and that Margot hits the sack between 7:00 and 7:30pm.
What to do during those (sometimes long!) in-between hours? Sometimes referred to as "witching hour(s)". We try to have missions once or twice a week: go to the library to pick up/drop off books or go the store to buy something very specific. Other times, we stick around the house: go to the park, water the garden, etc.
My rule is: when the weather's nice, go outside!

This week, we discovered a nearby "rock" beach nearby. We often go to that park (Parc Moussette), but mostly stick to the grassy area where Margot has fun picking up pinecones and kicking(and throwing)the soccer ball.  But, this Tuesday evening, we ventured beyond the green, towards the water. Followed the rocky steps towards the river to discover a world ruled by families pickniking, young adults playing guitar, cyclists taking a break, individuals in their lawn chair reading a good book. A whole world was out there just relaxing and enjoying the breeze, the sunset and the geese flying by. We joined in.

Margot learned how to skip pebbles and rocks and inevitably got her shoes wet!

Being a Parent - Part 2

After thoughts on education and "raising" children, I realized that perhaps now is the time to start. Margot now understands simple orders "ramasse tes pellures d'oranges et mets-les dans la poubelle brune" and is able to communicate her needs and wants. She's also at an age where she is becoming quite observant of the world in which she lives in.
About a month ago, I chose a myriad of parenting books (mostly aimed at toddlers) on the library website and put them on reserved. A few days later, I had a dozen books ready for pickup. Some of them were rubbish and were put back in the "return bag" almost immediately after flipping through them.
But some of them were actually not so bad...

The Idle Parent: Why Less Means More When Raising Kids by Tom Hodgkinson. Check out the book cover!

Top 8 suggestions I retained (in no particular order)
-Be cheerful and satisfied with life. We teach by example, not with authority. A whining child has a whining parent.
-Children teach us to live in the present. Embrace that instead of focusing on the past  (i.e. "How was daycare? What did you do today? ) or the future (i.e. "Are you excited for our summer plans?").
-Do less. Passive parenting is responsible parenting.
-Say "yes".
-Fill your children's lives with variety, creativity and autonomy.
-Stop saying "Careful!". We are conditioned into living in fear. By shrieking "careful!/attention!", we remove their confidence.
-Stop giving them options. Water for dinner.
-Children remember "made up" stories more than read ones. Revive the art of storytelling! They will also be more captivated.

And here's Margot serving dried apples:

Being a Parent - Part 1

-Early wake-ups
-Rolling around in parks

-Quick dinners
-Messy house
-Receiving gently-worn beautiful clothes from France (merci ma belle!)

-"Being present" has a total different meaning when a little munchkin is climbing all over me during a yoga practice.
-Rediscovering the seasons