Being a Parent: The French Way

A few months ago, I read the much-popular, Bringing Up Bébé by Pamela Druckerman. In short: an American woman living in Paris who is raising her young children. This book has been positively reviewed and talked about since its appearance on North American bookshelves.


I read it. Here are a few random (because I like randomness) observations. Like all parenting books: you take some, you leave some. These are the ones I found most interesting:


[I should add that as a Québécoise, a well-travelled Europhile, and a friend to  Europeans , some observations weren't big revelations to me.]

Simple Pleasures: water, sand, and a feather

On Conflict
Like the Idle Parent (read my Being a Parent, Part 2): let kids play by themselves and resolve their own conflicts while parents have coffee (or wine) in a different room of the house.
"French parents aren't panicked about their children's well-being. This calmer outlook makes them better at both establishing boundaries and giving their kids some autonomy." Take a step back. "French kids have more autonomy in their dealings with each other. French parents seem slower to intervene in playground disputes. They expect kids to work these situations out for themselves".

Introducing: La pause

Observe your child before rushing to intervene. Watch. Breathe. Have a sip of wine. Then, go to the child. This develops patience (for the child).

A stern "Attends"

I'm on the right track since I use it constantly with Margot. Instead of saying "Arrête" ou "Sois tranquille" ou "schhh!", I say "attend". It is working  à merveille!

Sois sage (comme une image)

Instead of saying: "Be good" or "sois gentille", say "sois sage". The real meaning of Sois sage doesn't translate well ."Be wise"? "behave appropriately, use good judgement", "be respectful of other (...) the child is in command of herself."  

Saying "Be good" implies that being good goes contrary to her true nature.  I like that and often remind Simon to stop saying "Be a good girl". "Sois sage, Margot"

C'est moi qui décide

Sharing power with a child doesn't exist. Le parent décide. It's part of the hierarchal culture. No questions asked. I can't take myself seriously when I say that to Margot. Does she even get it???

Tu n'as pas le droit

Instead of saying "Ne frappe pas Billy", you say: "Tu n'as pas le droit de frapper Billy". "This suggests that there's a fixed and coherent system of rights which both children and adults can refer to. It also makes it clear that the child does have the right to do other things". I used that sentence with Noa a few days ago, and he simply looked at me and said "Oui, j'ai le droit." Hum...

On Food

I have to admit that I'm quite strict on what Margot cannot eat. Poor child! Since she has such a good appetite, I know I shouldn't really worry. O&M's mum bakes tons of cakes and muffins and chocolate loaves... and they even eat pains au chocolat! (my weakness). All reasons for Margot to pack her bags, hop on a plane and cross the ocean. Why aren't sweets more accepted here?Perhaps it's because "French parents talk about chocolate as if it's just another food group, albeit one to eat in moderation... In general, they will serve cake or cookies at lunch or at the goûter (afternoon snack)". I would like to add that only the best ingredients are used (right?) when baking in France. This makes it justifiable.  

Pick your Battles

We put too much effort on everything. "Don't get worked up about minor bétises (small acts of naughtiness) These are just part of being a kid. If every misbehaviour is treated on the same level, how will they know what's important?" This relates a bit to the idea of "doing less"from The Idle Parent.

On Praise

Don't praise too much. As a teacher, that's actually right up my alley! "The French believe that kids feel confident when they're able to do things for themselves, and do those things well (...) They don't act like every job well done is an occasion to say "good job". Point final. How will kids know when they actually do something remarkable (ex. ride bike) if we continually  make a big deal on everything little thing they do (ex. drawing circles on every blank sheet of paper) . False praise is tiring and insincere.

On Books
The difference between French and English (North American) kids' books:


In the American books:
i) there's a problem
ii) there's a struggle to fix it
iii) a cheerful resolution.
Lessons are learned and life gets better.


In the French books:
i) there's a problem,
ii) there's a struggle to fix it
iii)seldom succeed to fix it
iv)protagonist has the same problem again.
There's rarely a moment of personal transformation when everyone learns and grows.
Life is ambiguous and complicated (like real life!). There aren't bad guys and good guys. Each of us has a bit of both...

Let your child be naked in the Ottawa River!

Mambo Girl

No sitting still for this lil' one.

Retreating

This weekend I went to a yoga retreat with a dear friend. We always dreamed of going to a yoga retreat in Costa Rica one day. We couldn't do Costa Rica this year, so we went to Wolf Island instead (close to Kingston) to Shanti Yoga Retreat. I didn't bring my camera, but if you look at their website, it gives you an idea of what it looks like (and it really looks like that).  The property is magnificent! There was a lot of R&R time. The weather was gorgeous. I read. I swam. I knitted. I did some yoga. Unfortunately, the type of yoga (Agama Yoga) practiced that weekend wasn't really my thing. However, it was a nice little getaway from the daily grind and I do feel refreshed!


MARGOT NEWS:

Margot learned to make bread at the Agriculture Museum:

Margot doesn't like having a barrette in her hair:

Margot always picks the biggest watermelon piece and gobbles it. She needs to eat watermelon naked because it's more convenient to hose her down:

Margot loves tomatoes. She did take an enormous bite of that big one. We get weekly vegetable deliveries from a farm and Margot always bites in a few veggies between the pick up spot (a block from our house) and our house.

Summer

Close your eyes. Imagine summer.

We don't own a cottage. We're not going to a PEI holiday this year.

It's hot. It's sunny. It's dry. We're done our vacation for the year. Simon's working regular hours.

This morning (because mornings are always the best time of day to go anywhere), Margot and I went to the Aylmer Beach with Noa, Mishka and Grand-Maman.

The kids had the beach for themselves for about an hour. Very little amuses them. What joy!

And, just for fun, this is where we were last year in July:

Cape Breton Island, NS

Singing Sands Beach, PEI

Iles de la Madeleine - on a cold day

Iles de la Madeleine - on a sunny day

Now

Margot is watching Baby Art on DVD while playing with puzzle pieces.

She just did pipi in her waffle underwear. She told me by shouting "Oh no!". She sat patiently on the potty afterwards. She wiped herself and threw the toilet paper into the toilet. We flushed together. "Bye bye pipi". My plan was to toilet train her this summer. I have a few library books about the whole process. Not a thrilling read... I'm a bit slack and inconsistent with this whole potty-training business. Perhaps I should have a plan.

I'm drinking tea. My morning cup of orange pekoe with a dash of milk.

On my mind this moment (also, what I've been googling all morning):
-bed ideas for Margot. I love the idea of a low bed (futon-style). Toddler beds are cute, but they're not big enough! A bed, especially for a child, is a place where you can lay your dolls and teddies, have a bunch of books sprawled across it and lie sideways if you wish. She's still in her crib and enjoys it, but I'm itching to move things around in her room.
-buying a pair of Madrid Birks. I haven't bought new sandals in a really long time. Also, coincidentally, I've talked to too many people in the last few weeks who have bought newBirks. I'm jealous and I want my new pair. It's summer and my feet want to walk around in new sandals.

I'm also thinking about my next knitting projects.

And should I go to the grocery store now or in an hour? My brief list is made. Tugging Margot to a grocery store is an in and out business. No meandering around the aisles and reading ingredient lists.