Being a Parent: The French Way

A few months ago, I read the much-popular, Bringing Up Bébé by Pamela Druckerman. In short: an American woman living in Paris who is raising her young children. This book has been positively reviewed and talked about since its appearance on North American bookshelves.


I read it. Here are a few random (because I like randomness) observations. Like all parenting books: you take some, you leave some. These are the ones I found most interesting:


[I should add that as a Québécoise, a well-travelled Europhile, and a friend to  Europeans , some observations weren't big revelations to me.]

Simple Pleasures: water, sand, and a feather

On Conflict
Like the Idle Parent (read my Being a Parent, Part 2): let kids play by themselves and resolve their own conflicts while parents have coffee (or wine) in a different room of the house.
"French parents aren't panicked about their children's well-being. This calmer outlook makes them better at both establishing boundaries and giving their kids some autonomy." Take a step back. "French kids have more autonomy in their dealings with each other. French parents seem slower to intervene in playground disputes. They expect kids to work these situations out for themselves".

Introducing: La pause

Observe your child before rushing to intervene. Watch. Breathe. Have a sip of wine. Then, go to the child. This develops patience (for the child).

A stern "Attends"

I'm on the right track since I use it constantly with Margot. Instead of saying "Arrête" ou "Sois tranquille" ou "schhh!", I say "attend". It is working  à merveille!

Sois sage (comme une image)

Instead of saying: "Be good" or "sois gentille", say "sois sage". The real meaning of Sois sage doesn't translate well ."Be wise"? "behave appropriately, use good judgement", "be respectful of other (...) the child is in command of herself."  

Saying "Be good" implies that being good goes contrary to her true nature.  I like that and often remind Simon to stop saying "Be a good girl". "Sois sage, Margot"

C'est moi qui décide

Sharing power with a child doesn't exist. Le parent décide. It's part of the hierarchal culture. No questions asked. I can't take myself seriously when I say that to Margot. Does she even get it???

Tu n'as pas le droit

Instead of saying "Ne frappe pas Billy", you say: "Tu n'as pas le droit de frapper Billy". "This suggests that there's a fixed and coherent system of rights which both children and adults can refer to. It also makes it clear that the child does have the right to do other things". I used that sentence with Noa a few days ago, and he simply looked at me and said "Oui, j'ai le droit." Hum...

On Food

I have to admit that I'm quite strict on what Margot cannot eat. Poor child! Since she has such a good appetite, I know I shouldn't really worry. O&M's mum bakes tons of cakes and muffins and chocolate loaves... and they even eat pains au chocolat! (my weakness). All reasons for Margot to pack her bags, hop on a plane and cross the ocean. Why aren't sweets more accepted here?Perhaps it's because "French parents talk about chocolate as if it's just another food group, albeit one to eat in moderation... In general, they will serve cake or cookies at lunch or at the goûter (afternoon snack)". I would like to add that only the best ingredients are used (right?) when baking in France. This makes it justifiable.  

Pick your Battles

We put too much effort on everything. "Don't get worked up about minor bétises (small acts of naughtiness) These are just part of being a kid. If every misbehaviour is treated on the same level, how will they know what's important?" This relates a bit to the idea of "doing less"from The Idle Parent.

On Praise

Don't praise too much. As a teacher, that's actually right up my alley! "The French believe that kids feel confident when they're able to do things for themselves, and do those things well (...) They don't act like every job well done is an occasion to say "good job". Point final. How will kids know when they actually do something remarkable (ex. ride bike) if we continually  make a big deal on everything little thing they do (ex. drawing circles on every blank sheet of paper) . False praise is tiring and insincere.

On Books
The difference between French and English (North American) kids' books:


In the American books:
i) there's a problem
ii) there's a struggle to fix it
iii) a cheerful resolution.
Lessons are learned and life gets better.


In the French books:
i) there's a problem,
ii) there's a struggle to fix it
iii)seldom succeed to fix it
iv)protagonist has the same problem again.
There's rarely a moment of personal transformation when everyone learns and grows.
Life is ambiguous and complicated (like real life!). There aren't bad guys and good guys. Each of us has a bit of both...

Let your child be naked in the Ottawa River!